Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wishcast Wednesday

I'm determined to get my Wishcast in while it is still Wednesday!

I'm getting over a rather nasty drug reaction to a new prescription, which has slowed me down, and I also was forced to do a lot of surprise yard work to do today, so I've had a lot of time to contemplate about what Jamie asked us this morning.

And I'm still going with what came to me in the darkness right before the dawn, when the birds were warming up the brisk air with their first songs to greet the sun. My favorite time of day.

This morning, I read, "Large or small, financial or otherwise, what do you wish to invest in?"  I have to admit, my long time reactionary wall started to go up, with me thinking of a dozen things at once, and immediately dismissing them for one reason or another, with the end result that I had more things to think about already. I didn't need one more.

Then the light bulb went on, and I knew immediately what I wished to invest in.  Some quality time for myself. Finding some has been a lifelong battle on many fronts and it is getting worse, instead of better. So yes, I definitely need to invest in some time.

I grew up in a home with an artist father who had a brilliant and creative mind, and a work oriented mother.  My Mom thought that art and music were wonderful, but she could listen to her radio and sing along while doing her household chores.  To paint, draw, or otherwise be creative was reserved for after everything else was done. As a reward. The creative process itself was not worthy of being a priority.

She couldn't completely rule my Dad, but she made a good effort, so he usually stayed up all night to work on his art. He also held down a full time job, working second shift if possible, so that he could sleep in the morning.

But with me, her only child, she could and did dictate what I did, and when I did it.  I loved watching my Dad create magic, but of course, I couldn't stay up all night, nor can I do so now. I am, and always have been a morning person. As I said, it is my favorite time of day. So my Dad's rhythm wouldn't work for me.

My personal childhood forays into the art world were restricted to times after all of my other responsibilities were caught up, or completed, AND if there was still time, before bed, or other activities, AND I was still in the inspirational mood. It was hard to have all of the stars aligned just right.

My Dad left when I was in my early teens, leaving me to struggle under my Mom's influence.  And while I know that I'm a failure in her eyes, for many reasons, not the least of which is that a continually spotless house is not high on my list of accomplishments, I've also had to fight that lifelong mantra that everything else comes before creating art, so that when I do sit down, my mind is thinking of everything else that I "should" be doing instead, so I'm not getting the full benefit of peacefulness and enjoyment that I am seeking.

Combine that with  the added immediate needs of my darling Hubs, and yes, my aging Mom (86 yrs. old), and I'm more strapped for Freedom Time. I'm finding that once again, like I've done nearly my whole life, my creative side is shutting down. I'm closing that door. I don't want to, but it is too painful and frustrating, which I don't need.  And now, my body is physically suffering for it. My Doctors are telling me what I've known for a long time. That I need to find ways to decompress, to de-stress, to exercise, and to find time for myself, to do what I love to do, for myself. Ooookaaaayyy!! I'll get right on it! However, they fail to tell me how to add some more hours into my awake and ALERT time!

So yes, I wish to invest in some guilt free, quality time, to be used for creating art.

What are you wishing for today?

7 comments:

  1. As Suzie wishes for herself, so I wish for her also. I'm "enjoying" some enforced Freedom Time from illness, and I have to say that your drs are right - find it now before you are forced to by illness, you'll appreciate and enjoy it so much more! Here's hoping you'll find time for yourself soon!

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  2. Wow! My Father was like that too. I remember telling him about an art competition I had entered. I was so scared to do it and then they placed my work in one of the windows downtown! I was so excited and proud, I called him to tell him about it and where it was located, for him to see it....he said not to bother, he probably won't ever make it downtown to see it. Later in our conversation that night he commented on how nice and clean my kitchen looked and how proud he was.........
    Stuff like that cuts us so deep that it's hard to get over it. I think that is part of the reason I have so much trouble keeping things TIDY. But Hey! What the Hell do they know!!! I too always put everything ahead of creating but I will try to change my ways!
    WE CAN DO IT!!!
    Your NEW blog friend! - Cindi

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  3. Suzie,
    I've struggled with "eating my frog" first before I can "play". I found myself enforcing those ideals on my family. On Sunday, we have "Art Day". We don't necessarily do art, or anything creative, sometimes we do. It's more about letting those obligations go & not feeling guilty, or nagged by them.

    As Suzie wishes for herself, I wish for her also!

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  4. As Suzie wishes for herself, I so wish for her also.

    Suzie TAKE the time. The house will wait, trust me on this. The laundry will still be there, that sink of dishes, the dust on the furniture will all wait on you. So if it doesn't get done today, there is always tomorrow. YOU have to take care of YOU, there are people that need you. Set aside certain hours in the morning that are yours and make them yours. If someone needs you, you make the time for them, now make the time for you.

    (((HUGS)))

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  5. Oh hon..I am in tears for you!! As Suzie wishes for herself, I wish for her also!
    Hon...you so very much need time to decompress...I know folks are telling you this...and how is sometimes so hard to come by. I understand the no time for yourself thing it had been years before I found a way to carve it out. Totally pissed people off when I did. Even left alot of dust and dirt laying around. But you cannot function and take care of everyone if you don't take care of you first hon....so am sending some Reiki your way and hoping you feel a bit better today and also wishing BIG for you to find a little you time in there somewhere. I really do understand hon how very hard it is to find...I know you know that I understand this.
    Love you bunches and hang in there! I will email you later this morning..let me know if you don't get it..email is being wonky.
    Hugs and love, Sarah

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  6. ahhh, beloved Suzie - my Mom was so similar... and in many ways she made her art into another duty (she sewed most of our clothes, but not artfully, begrudgingly and speedily, bless her heart.) She didn't like my slower, more methodical (thinking perhaps mindful, even then!) so again, bless her heart, she would finish my projects....

    Time, quality time - what a marvelous investment....

    As Suzie so wishes for herself, so I wish for her also with an abundance of love!

    My Wednesday Wishcast....

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