But the time for that has ended. I laughed to myself when I read Jamie's Wishcast for today. "What Do I Wish To Dare". . oooooh, that is SO tempting. There are so many things that I could fill in there, from the relatively benign, to the grand challenging of the Fates. Do I really want to go there? Sometimes, I feel SO angry, I do. But then reason reigns me in, to be thankful for what I do have. That is the problem. I am SO thankful, I don't want to lose it. And I'm forever wishing, all of the time, that everything will be better. It is that hope that inspires me, and the basic premise that I am needed, that keeps me going.
I haven't posted here for a while, and I think that it is time to explain why because it may be more sporadic in the future too. I'm hoping that things will level out, but one can never really determine these things, can they?
I've also been hunting around for a nice "100 followers" give-away, and in the interim, have lost 2, so I no longer have that milestone. I don't blame them for leaving. It has gotten rather boring here, but as soon as I get my things together, I'm still going to have that drawing for those that are patient enough to hang around. .and look at it this way. .the more that leave, the greater chance you have of winning!
Now for a little history. The dancing around is over. My darling Hubs has been fighting advanced prostate cancer for 12 years now. We travel back and forth to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN every 3 months for his treatment. He will be on drug therapy for the rest of his life. And each time that the cancer has spread, they have had a new treatment ready to use, to put it back in its place. He is one of what they are calling a new breed of cancer patients, that are living a relatively normal life with cancer. We have learned to accept this way of close monitoring and treatment as our way of life. Most certainly not what we envisioned, but we, like most people would, have adapted.
So last summer, when I finally convinced Hubs to have a sleep apnea test, because he would quit breathing several times a night, I never dreamed as to where that would lead. After staying overnight in their sleep clinic, so they could monitor not only his breathing, but oxygen levels in his blood, brain activity, etc. they sent him home with a CPAP machine. He wears a mask every night that forces moist air into his airway, keeping it open, allowing him to inhale and exhale normally.
His apnea was so extreme that they also made appointments for him to see a neurologist, who then scheduled a number of scans and tests, including a 4 hour long memory test. They also interviewed me a few times, and then we got the news that Hubs has a form of dementia. Not Alzheimer's they assured us, but Lewy Body. I've been reading up on it, and have to say, that I'm reserving judgement on that diagnosis. Unless they saw something that they aren't telling me now, most of the symptoms that set it apart from other dementia's simply aren't there. Yet. But we will see what develops. I'm not sticking my head in the sand. He does have both short and long term memory problems that at times are worse than others, and he is getting more confused. The mind is a beautiful, but strange instrument. It is heart breaking for me to see him sitting discussing the intricacies of astrophysics with the doctor, but then stammer and stumble when trying to search for a simple word to describe how a food tastes, or when he can't remember 5 words that they gave him to remember not even 5 minutes prior.
I think that this diagnosis is more difficult to determine too, by the fact that my Hubs has Adult Aspergers too. Fortunately, he is rated on the high end of the Highly Functional scale, but took years of dealing with the emotional highs and lows before he was diagnosed and it was brought under better control. We are very fortunate for that. But his social skills still suffer, I think that sometimes that is misinterpreted. I have to laugh though. I've acted as a buffer for so many years for Hubs, stepping in and clairifying, or going through the social nicities to cover up for his faux pas which could hurt someone's feelings (and he would be equally hurt to find that out later), but wouldn't recognize it at the time, that I have to work hard not to answer things for him when they are testing him. LOL
When he was through with the testing, someone came to ask us if we would consider taking part in a long term study they are doing evaluating a lot of different people with normal memories, all the way, including Alzheimer's patients, and everyone inbetween. He said that if it would help someone else, then he would glady take part. It made me so proud of him. But I had to agree too. Not only will he have to retake each test every year, but they also interview me. And this will be beneficial for him, because not only is his neurologist taking part in evaluating the study, but he will have instant access to any changes that may occur.
Now. .as if that weren't enough, I'm an only child, and therefore, the sole caregiver of my 86 year old Mom, who lives alone, and has some serious life-long emotional problems that are getting worse as she gets older. And recently, her hypochondria may have caught up with her because her GP saw something abnormal and has sent her to a specialist for further evaluation. So I will be taking her for that appointment as well as others, and we will see where we are headed on that path.
But wait! There's more!! I got a notice from our insurance carrier that they would no longer pay for the one and only med that I have taken for years. So I had to go to my Dr. to get a new one. In talking with him, we were talking about my arthritis that I've had off and on since I was in my teens, and one thing led to another, with me telling him how my pain was different.
He did some testing, and set me up with a rheumatologist for this Friday, to confirm or find out what I may have besides Fibromyalgia.
I'm not asking for sympathy. Good Energy and Prayers are always welcome and appreciated more than you know, but I simply wanted to let anyone who was wondering, why I haven't been here a lot, and I thought too that if anyone else is going through anything similar, then they wouldn't feel like there were all alone. I've learned through the years that we truly are here to comfort and support one another. I've gotten some wonderful messages from some who already know what we're dealing with. They mean the world to me.
Wow! I dared to wish that I would be brave enough to write all of this out. To share some personal issues in my life, and I've done it! Now all I have to do is click on the "publish post" button, then the quivering will commence! I feel like I've been stripped naked, and believe me, it isn't a pretty picture. Someone hand me a robe, please.
Wishing everyone a beautiful day!