Sunday, January 3, 2010

One Little Word 2010

Anastasia, has asked on her blog, Deep Inside My Broom Closet, for us to choose one word that has the power to impact our life in 2010.

For once, this type of question is easy for me to answer. Perhaps because it has been weighing heavily on my mind for days now, more than ever.

And I haven't shared any of this part of my life on my blog, because my blogs are my escape. My fun time away from some dark realities that are going to get even darker, and I don't know for how long. And the strange part of it is, I hope that this darkness goes on for years.  But, maybe putting this all down, and sending it out into the Cosmos will help draw in the necessary energy to help me.

I don't mean to be so cryptic, so let me explain.  My word that has become my mantra, is "Patience".

It has never been a virtue of mine, so this challenge is going to be even harder for me, but the well being of some people I love, depends on it.

My hubby, my soul mate has been battling advanced prostate cancer for over 10 years now.  He will never be cancer free, but the excellent doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, are keeping it maintained. Every time it decides to get more active and start spreading, they have always had a new treatment to curtail it's activity, and he remains on continual medications, in-between our 3 month visits for testing.

But, as weird as that sounds, suddenly, the cancer was the least of my worries.

Last late Summer, early Autumn, to humor me, he had some memory testing done, and we got the sad news that he has early stage Lewy Body Disease.  I had never heard of it before, but did some quick research. My hubs for some Blessed reason, didn't comprehend what the doctors were saying, and is SO relieved that he doesn't have Alzheimer's. 

It is better this way. He couldn't handle the news.  He knows that he is suffering from short term memory loss, and that is it. That alone is frustrating for him.  And he is getting upset with himself for being so clumsy sometimes. 

I'm learning that I have to be his memory too, and am making the necessary adjustments in my life, as well as his, to make sure that things I used to depend upon him to do, are getting done, etc.  And even little things, like how to phrase my sentences. I can't say "Please don't, or we shouldn't", because he won't hear those words, only the rest of the sentence, so he thinks that is what I would like for him to do.  I get more impatient with myself than I do with him, but it still comes through sometimes, and is easily misread, even though I keep telling him that I'm frustrated with me!

At Mayo's they immediately put him into a study too, so every year, he not only will have the same testing done, for comparison, but with any changes, they will have immediate suggestions and treatments, so who knows. .like with his cancer, they may be able to stop the progression. .I am clinging to that hope.

As if that weren't enough, a few days ago, we had to approach my Mom about her moving in with us.  She is weighing the pros and cons, but she is starting to sort things out in her home, so I have a feeling that she has made up her mind, even if she won't admit it. 

She will be 86 yrs. old later this month, and is starting to have memory problems of her own. This has been coming on for some time, but recently has gotten a lot worse.  She also is having physical problems too, and she finally admitted that there is little that she can do for herself anymore.  She also has a lot of emotional problems too that make her frustrating to be around sometimes.  But she thinks that we have the ideal Mother/Daughter relationship. I've never told her otherwise, because I do love her. .she can't help the way that she is.

After my Step-Dad died, he arranged her finances so that she would be set up for a long life. Despite her proclamations of being so good with money, she chose some really poor directions with her life savings, and can't afford to move into any assisted living, for any length of time, especially if she couldn't sell her house.  And as an only child, I'm her only option.  Hopefully, if she gets to the point where I can't care for her any longer, her house will have sold, and then she'll have some money for professional care.

My own health issues are minor in comparison, but are in areas that affect how I can care for my family. .I have arthritis, and it is also in my spine, which affects how much I can lift, move, etc. and am in constant pain, which REALLY short circuits my patience button, and has absolutely nothing to do with anything else.

So yes. .my word of 2010, is Patience.  I'm being brave, exposing my vulnerability, and sending this out into the cosmic realm.

And now that I've emptied my angst for all of you to see, what is YOUR word for 2010?



9 comments:

  1. Wow Suzie - no wonder you have pick patience as your word, you and yours are really going through the mill at the moment (I am guessing as you are an only child there is no-one for you to call on for help).

    My word for 2010 will be "achieve" I have things that I want to get done and my pain stops me - so that is where I am at (by the way how do I join the Black Hat Society?!)

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  2. Here's sending you hugs, warm wishes, and strength for the patience that you'll need. You've got a tough time and lots of challenges ahead of you. Hopefully the progression can keep being halted by the doctors for your DH and your mom does well and her house sells quickly. {{hugs}}
    Sue

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  3. Bless You Suzie! You sure have a lot of difficult stresses going on...not only do I wish you well with your patience. But I also wish you strength, courage, hope and perseverance (but I think you are already excelling in those areas.) Best wishes for a Wonderful New Year {{hugs}}

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  4. Any spare patience that I have, I'll send your way! You'll be doing a lot of caregiving, so I hope you're able to build some caregiving respite into your life to give yourself a break and take care of you, too.

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  5. Many warm and loving hugs are being sent your way! I wish you much success with your word for the year and many Blessings too. Thank you for sharing this with us, I hope it has helped ease the weights on your shoulders.

    I have arthritis too (widespread as they like to call it) and mine is also in my spine as well.

    Please do take some time, a few stolen moments each day, to take care of you!

    My word for 2010 is "Simplicity."

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  6. Patience is a wonderful word.

    Thank you for sharing a little part of your world with us. I know that it must have been difficult. I will send you blessings and positive energy.

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  7. It does help putting your thoughts, your wishes, your desires out into the Cosmos. For you never know where the help, the assistance, the strength that is needed will come from.

    Always know that you have friends out here in Blog Land and we'll be here for you, should you ever need a shoulder! Or a {HUG}!

    Wishing you the BEST in 2010! Will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.♥

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  8. Suzie, I can only repeat what Jeanne has said. *sending a hug your way over the pond*
    My word for 2010 is hope I have clinical depression and have had it since I hit puberty. I choose to manage it without drugs. Hope becomes my mantra when I'm being shadowed by "the black dog". It becomes my mantra.....that the bout of depression will pass and I will be able to function normally again.

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  9. It's amazing...to think about how the challenges we face seem so huge but then time and time again suddenly you hear about some of the challenges those around you face as a daily matter of course, and suddenly your own problems pale in comparison. *gentle cyber hugs* Hang in there, Suzie. You are courageous and strong and I pray the Gods help you find all the patience that you seek!

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