Friday, September 18, 2009

Black Holes


We have just returned from taking our little Max to the vet. Just his routine checkup that is so important because he is an FeLV kitty, with a compromised immune system. He is doing exceedingly well!

It is those types of necessary tasks that are keeping me busy, but grounded these days. And I definitely need the magnetic pull to good Mother Earth, where I seem to be able to draw my energy and strength.

Many studies are going on by well qualified astrophysicists to learn more about the Black Holes out there in space, but I really wish that more time would be spent to learn about the Black Holes that are here, on Earth, right around us. I know for sure that they exist, because a few weeks ago, I fell into one. Just like the ones in space, they contain everything and nothing.

Back in August, my hubby and I made our journey on the now very familiar route back to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, for the love of my life's quarterly cancer check. He has been battling it for 12 years now, and while he hasn't ever been cancer free during all of that time, with the miracles of modern medicine, aided by some very strong regular visualization sessions, it has been kept contained. If it started to escape, it was quickly squashed back down again.

This time though, I didn't feel the Good Energy that I usually sense, and we didn't see any Hawks along the route like we usually do, and sure enough. The cancer is slightly on the rise again, only this time, they not only can't figure out where it is for certain, but are debating best how to attack it. So right now, while various people with important knowledge and input discuss things, we wait until November, when we go back to see what was decided. They are confident, with the current drugs that Ed is on, it won't suddenly mushroom into something that will be more difficult to conquer.

But the affects from that trip were far from over. Not only did that trip turn into a much longer stay, but we had to come back home for a few days, then returned for another 12.

I never thought that I would ever have to say, this, but that turned out that the cancer returning would be the least of my worries. Ed has been having slight memory problems for some time now. Nothing serious, but little things, but with increasing frequency. Those types of memory challenges, along with various physical changes, confirmed as best they can by a series of tests, introduced me to the world of Lewy Body Dementia, or Dementia with Lewy Bodies. In short, this isn't Alzheimer's, but a person afflicted with it can develop the mental problems of a person with Alzheimer's, combined with the physical challenges of Parkinson's. It was at that moment, that I fell into that BIG Black Hole, gasping for air, and feeling like I was never ever going to be able to put my feet on something solid ever again, nor find a reason to smile. How I managed, on the exterior, to keep a calm, cool facade is beyond my own capabilities. My Spirit Guides must have had their hands full, creating that image, and I am exceedingly grateful to them. Once again, they have saved the day.

That night, Ed had to stay at the clinic, in their sleep clinic, to be tested for Sleep Apnea, one of the symptoms of LBD. Not everyone who suffers from sleep apnea, has dementia, but it is a marker that they look for in LBD. Ed has extreme Sleep Apnea, and now has a breathing machine with a mask that he wears every night, forcing his airway open, to keep him breathing.

I didn't want to be apart from him that night, but in retrospect, it was probably the best situation for me, because it gave me the time to do research, and cry without him seeing me. For some Spirit Guided reason, the whole concept of what has attacked him, didn't register. He told me as we left that department, that he was elated that they didn't tell him that he has Alzheimer's. That was his one big worry. Ed's personality is the type that not only should he never learn of the possibilities that lie ahead, but no one should tell him either.

Besides that being a major concern to me, my other was how I was going to even get through the next few days, let alone, the future. I know where I got the strength, but am still in awe, because I consider it a miracle.

By the next morning, I realized that this day was really no different than the days before. the only difference being that now I know what is causing Ed's inattention. He hadn't turned into the thoughtless husband who wasn't paying attention to me, he was honestly forgetting!! It was like a switch has been turned off in me. Immediately, I no longer mind having to repeat things over and over. I act like we are discussing something for the first time, and actually feel pleasure in doing so.

I still have moments when tears lay close to the surface, like now. It is hard for me to talk about it, or even think about it. I never, ever thought that I would be thankful that I have developed allergies in just the past 2 years, but boy, that excuse has sure come in handy lately, and he accepts it.

As for his memory problems that he is aware of, Sleep Apnea causes memory problems. Easy explanation.

Finding a reason to laugh, or even smile was going to be a greater challenge, or so I thought. But lo and behold, later that first day after we were reunited at the clinic, there it was. .a bumper sticker on a car that pulled up to the clinic's grand entry. We were sitting there, waiting for our shuttle back to the motel, both tired, and me full of stress, when this little car pulls in, and on the back bumper, this long sticker with a black silhouette of a Scottie, and the words, "My Scottie Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student". I immediately thought of Holly , and her Fiona and Rory, and burst out laughing. I had shown their photos to Ed, and had shared Fiona's horrible encounter with the bees, with him, so after a reminder, he remembered and had a good chuckle too.

I wondered too, how I would be able to deal with the ordinary things of daily living. They all seemed so unimportant, and in light of our sudden disclosure, everything else seemed surreal. People around us discussing the pros and cons of where to eat dinner, which color sweatshirt to buy in the gift shop, arguing over who left an appointment schedule sheet in their motel room. I wanted to scream at all of them, that there are much more important things going on. To quit obsessing over such trivial matters!!!

But in the days since, especially since we've been home now for 2 days, I've come to realize that unlike the Black Holes in space, where there isn't any solid foundation, the Black Holes here around us, do. They are the things that have to be done each day. Our daily rituals each morning, our errands, the things that we do for pleasure. These are the building blocks that keep us from being lost forever in the darkness. The only difference now, is I am having to take a more active part in each and every one of them. And each task becomes a treasure, because we are doing it together.

When Ed was first diagnosed with cancer years ago, the fragility of our lives intertwined really hit me, and while it made me treasure our time together even more, at the same time, I have felt the strength of the Good, Healing Energies swirling around him, and knew that he would either beat it, or at the very least, keep it contained, and be able to function normally for years. Now, it is an additional, new challenge, but also a gift.

We all know that we will have to Travel On, at some point, but none of us dwell on it, getting wrapped up in daily activities, accepting our days as they are given to us. Our kids tease us, that Ed and I are joined at the hip because we are together all of the time, and we never, ever tire of each other. He is not only my love, but my best friend, and my soulmate. I've been given the additional gift to savor and acknowledge all of the moments that we have together. We should all be so lucky to remember to "feel" how special our time is with those that we love, and not take them for granted.

On a more practical note, I realize too, that my use of time is going to change. I was wondering how much I would have left to do anything creative. I seem to already have problems being able to set aside time, and quit frankly, for the past number of days, being creative is the last thing on my mind. However, at night, my dream state has become hyperactive, and I dream about painting, drawing, sculpting. If I only knew what I was working on! lol I never see that part, and it is frustrating!! And when I told Ed about my dreams, he said, "Good! It's about time! When are you going to start?" But start on what? But if it is true that artists must suffer to create good art, then I've got some masterpieces brewing somewhere inside of me. My heart is shattered.

This reminds me though, of when I was surprised back in 1968, before the days of ultrasound, with the birth of twins. Yes, that was a marvelously good event, while this is not, but my reactions are the same. When people ask me now, how I took care of two tiny babies all day long, by myself, I look back and tell them that I had one tiny moment of panic, when they were both finally home, and my hubby had to go back to work. They were both asleep, but I knew that in three hours they would be awake, and would need to be changed and fed. Formula needed to be made, and bottles sterilized! From that point on, I was too busy, to realize that I was too busy, but treasuring every moment. I will be doing the same thing now. My only regret is that I don't have the energy and stamina that I had when I was 20, but hopefully, I am wiser than I was then.

When I set up this blog, I knew that sometimes blogs turn into either a platform for ranting, or complaining, and I made a vow not to do either. I'm not really doing either here, but I still felt reluctant to share what has happened to us because I didn't want to make anyone feel sad or depressed. I look to other people's blogs to cheer me up, and I expect that others may come here for the same reason. When I returned, I found that some of my new friends had already left, and I don't blame them. They didn't know what was going on, only that I was ignoring my blog, and not responding to theirs.

So, I decided to explain my absence, not only this time, but because it will happen again. Ed has agreed to be a part of a study that the Mayo Clinic is doing involving all levels of memory loss, and so each year, or possibly twice a year, we will be back at the clinic, in addition to all of the trips for his cancer treatment, for more memory tests, more MRI's, and some experimental scans.

I also contemplated closing my blog down, but have decided not to. I continue to be inspired by all of the creativity that I see coming from other people, and I hope to somehow turn all of this shattered energy into something, someday. It may take a lot of tinkering for it to happen, because right now, I don't even know which direction to take, but like everything else that has happened lately, hopefully, it will fall into place when I need it the most.

So. .enough of this! Before we had left, I had a slew of things that I wanted to share with you, but with the advent of our latest trip, it all flew right out of my mind. I'm recapturing them, bit by bit, and now have to find some time to take some photos, providing my camera will cooperate, and then do some serious blog entering!

In the meantime, I know that others have said it before, and more eloquently, but take the time to savor some moments each day with those you love, never, ever, go to bed angry with one another, nor even when you have to be apart, even for a short bit. Love is amazing.

Thank you all for hanging in here with me! Now, let's get ready to celebrate! While official Fall is only a couple of days away, and my birthday is coming up, I can feel it in the air! My favorite season!!! I bought some new logs for our little outdoor fireplace, and it is cool enough to need them in the evenings now! What fun! Come and join us!

6 comments:

  1. Oh God, Suzie. ***hugs***

    You make me cry. What a poignant post.

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  2. Suzie, just big hugs from me,OK? What a wonderful cathartic post. At least I hope it was cathartic for you. I find it wonderfully inspiring, yours and Ed's story. Keep your blog--for you, and no one else. If you neglect it for a year and come back, so be it. Just live your life, and use it as a diary or a story board of your life. But please, don't feel obligated--just use it however you wish.

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  3. *Wrapping you and Ed in big Aussie hugs* Your subconscious is telling you to be creative....even if you can only manage 15 minutes a day....do it! All those little bits add up. I have the pavlova and the mocktails and I have my glad rags on....I'm all ready to help you celebrate your birthday...When is it? Or shall we just start partying now???? :)

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  4. A very touching post Suzie. I really liked the sentence about not minding about having to repeat things over and over. As we get older and more fragile, it is important to be patient and forgiving, disease or no disease.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

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  5. Suzie,
    Thank you for sharing your heart. I'm so sorry to hear of all that's going on with you and your DH, but it is so refreshing to read of your love for each other. I hope that in the coming months ahead you will find peace and hope. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

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  6. Suzie:
    Rory, Fiona & I send you love, light, mirth, care, and big AROOOOOs. Reiki on its way to both of you.

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